Childhood Memories
by LucinaNemain
Summary: Ryan makes a statement about his childhood.
1. Thursday

There will be four chapters to this one, I hope you will enjoy it.

I still don't own the OC.

LN

* * *

THURSDAY

Ryan stared at the computer screen, the blank document on it. His eyes darted back to the paper lying on the table beside him. He reached for it and read it again.

He'd been trying to do this assignment every night this week, but every night he'd given up. Now he had to, it was due tomorrow.

_..memories from your early childhood.._

They'd got to be kidding, right? He shook his head as 'memories from his early childhood' threatened to invade his mind. He'd been trying so hard to leave his past behind, and now they came throwing _this_ in his face?

He could make something up, couldn't he? _..based on true memories.._ But nobody would ever know.. Ryan sighed. The Cohens would know. And he didn't want to disappoint them. The same reason he couldn't just skip it. Again his head was invaded by sensations of the past and this time he lowered his shields, letting them in.

He quietly moved over to the bed, lying down while the thoughts and feelings he'd kept buried the past moths came back to life. If he were to write that damned assignment – and he were; he could not let the Cohens down – he needed to dig through this, relive it and find something to write about.

The flashbacks came in waves, and between them he was surprised how well he'd done, forgetting his past. Well not exactly forgetting, because he'd always remembered, but disregarding it.

Seth knocked on the pool house door, and let himself in. "Hey, man, dinner's ready. If I were to-" he fell silent and took a closer look.

Ryan lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling was nothing that normally would have made Seth look twice or stopped his rambling, this time there was something that made him do both.

"You okay?" he asked hesitantly.

Ryan tried to focus, and his eyes met Seth's. He forced himself to hold on to the brown eyes looking into his, anchoring him in reality. Staring into them he could drag himself away from the ocean of feelings and memories that were threatening to drown him. The moment he felt the ground under his feet he averted his eyes, and staggered the last few steps alone.

"Yeah, I'm okay." he said, a moment later.

Seth was pale, he didn't know what had happened, but the way Ryan's eyes had been empty scared him. Then Ryan had come back into them, and he had looked away. Like Ryan always did. He wondered where Ryan had been those long seconds his eyes had been allowed to meet Seth's.

"You sure?" he asked, but when Ryan shrugged he decided to let it go. For now. "Okay, so dinner is ready."

Ryan still looked a little dizzy, but he nodded and got up from the bed. "Let's go man." he said, waiting for Seth to get going.

Seth didn't move right away, he stood blocking the door and trying to catch Ryan's eye, but when he couldn't, he turned and walked into the house.

Ryan followed him, still hearing the echoes of waves breaking, bones breaking, promises breaking. He shook his head and went into the kitchen.

During dinner he said little, listening to the friendly banter of the Cohen's. They didn't seem to notice him being slightly distant, except Seth gave him funny looks from time to time, supposedly where he normally would have had a comment. Sandy didn't seem to notice, nor did Kirsten until she had to ask him three times if he wanted a second helping.

"Ryan!" she almost shouted.

With a start his head shot up and he saw all three of them staring at him. He lowered his head again. "Sorry." he mumbled.

"Are you okay?" Kirsten asked, concerned.

He nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. Just.. distracted. I have this assignment I need to finish. I was thinking about that. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Ryan. But are you sure that's it? You look a little pale."

"No, I'm fine." He looked up. "Actually, may I be excused? I really need to get started on that assignment, it's due tomorrow."

Kristen glanced at Sandy, but then nodded. Ryan thanked for the food, got up and left for the pool house, putting his things in the dishwasher on the way. The three Cohens sat in silence, watching him depart.

"Something's up." Sandy finally said. "Ryan never leaves assignments until the last day."

Seth rolled his eyes. "Actually Dad, it happens. Occasionally. But yeah, you're right. Something's up. I'll go talk to him."

When Seth stepped into the pool house Ryan was sitting by the computer, staring at the still blank document. He turned towards Seth.

"Ah, you actually do have an assignment to write? And here I was thinking it was a deterrence strategy."

Ryan shrugged, smiling slightly.

"I wanted to talk to you.." Seth said, hesitantly. "About earlier. Man, you really-"

Ryan sighed. He should have known, really. "Can we do this later?" he interrupted, barely concealing his sudden annoyance. "I really need to finish this.." he gestured towards the screen.

"Sure man, whatever." Seth tried not to feel hurt, Ryan was Ryan, after all – as in non-talkative. Turning towards the door he said "Just know that there are three Cohens inside, ready to listen if you feel the need to talk."

Ryan already regretted his outburst, but Seth was gone before he could say something. He sighed again, but turned back towards the screen. The thought of the Cohens inside, worrying about him, was oddly comforting. They noticed something was on his mind, and they wanted to know what.. not because hey were nosy, but because they wanted to help him. They cared. About him.

He realized something.He made a decision, andstarted to write.


	2. Friday

Again, I hope you like it.

And again, I don't own the OC.

LN

* * *

FRIDAY

Ryan walked the stairs up to Seth's room. They had seen each other, like, all day, but this was the first opportunity Ryan had had to talk to him in private. And he wanted to apologize for snapping at him. He knocked on the open door. Seth looked up from his computer and smiled at him.

"Hang on a sec, just got to finish.. that!"

With this, Seth turned towards him and shot him a questioning but still friendly look. Ryan was relieved Seth didn't seem mad. He'd acted like they were okay all day, but Ryan had thought maybe he'd only wanted to keep it from the others.

"Look man, I wanted to apologize."

"It's cool." Seth said, immediately.

"No, really. I shouldn't have gone off like that. I was-"

"Ryan, it's okay. Okay? I'm not mad."

Ryan glanced at him. "You sure?"

"Yep." Seth rose from his chair. "You up for some PlayStation?"

Ryan hesitated. "Well, I actually wanted to.. talk."

"Really? My God, that's a first." Seth sat down on the bed with a smile. "Ryan Atwood, you resisted long enough, but I knew we'd win you over. You are hereby dubbed a Cohen, not only by some signed papers but, like, for real."

Ryan couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, so anyways. About.. yesterday."

Seth was immediately serious. "Yes. About yesterday."

"I.. I'm sorry. For what.. happened."

"What _did_ happen?"

"I'm not sure. I guess I spaced out a bit." He didn't know how to explain, and truthfully, he didn't know exactly what had happened.

"It was scary, man."

"Yeah, it was. Sorry."

Seth studied his brother. He had questions, but he wasn't sure how Ryan would react. He had the feeling that Ryan's sudden urge to talk wasn't so much a need of hisas a favor to Seth. Still, he had said he'd talk.

"Where were you?" Seth asked, finally. "Because, you know, you weren't there."

Ryan shifted uneasily. "I don't know." he said. "But wherever it was, it wasn't nice. I'm glad you pulled me out of it."

"Me too." Seth hesitated, but finally suggested "Maybe you should talk to the parents about this? I mean, if you're worried."

Ryan shook his head. "No, I'm not worried. But they will be if I tell them." Seth looked at him, unconvinced, and Ryan continued. "If it happens again, I'll talk to them okay? I was probably just tired or something."

Seth nodded, and gradually the hesitant look on his face faded, and was replaced by a grin. "So, that was cool." he said.

"What?" Ryan asked, puzzled.

"Talking to you, on your initiative. I never thought you capable of this, Ryan."

"Yeah, 'thepupil becomes the master' and all that." Ryan mumbled wryly.

"You're not even close, Ryan, not even close. But keep practicing, I'll gladly teach you a trick or two."

"Okay, whatever. I could do with some PlayStation now?"

"Great, another opportunity for me to patronize you! Do you want me to tell you how to jump again?"

The boys disappeared down the stairs.


	3. Monday

Thanks for the reviews, they were much appreciated.

And I don't own the OC. Do I have to write that in every chapter?

* * *

MONDAY

Ryan hesitated before putting his returned paper on the counter. It was the first time he'd gotten a really bad grade, and he wasn't sure how Kirsten and Sandy would react.

It had started with Kirsten asking to read one of his essays, and somehow it had become routine for him to leave his returned assignments for her and Sandy to read. He did it because they seemed to like it, and it was an easy way to make them happy. Even though he felt a bit uncomfortable about what to him seemed like showing off. But he knew Seth did the same thing, at least from time to time, and that made him feel better about it. It was something of a family thing, and those he treasured.

This time Kirsten and Sandy wouldn't be happy, though. Most of all Ryan just didn't want to show his _Childhood Memories_ and its bad grade to them, but he felt that would be dishonest. Almost like lying. And then the whole thing would have been nothing but showing off.

Besides, they would find out sooner or later. It would probably affect his final grade.

Finally, he dropped the assignment on top of the other one he'd gotten back today, and left for the pool house.

That's where Kirsten found them when she got home. She smiled as she saw them lying on the desk, and decided to save them for later in the evening.

But then she saw the grades, and while the A was no surprise, the F was. She read the essay, and she was affected. It was beautiful; she didn't understand the F. Not at all. The assignment was not only exemplary written, like most of Ryan's schoolwork, but it had a personal touch that was rare in any high school student's work. She shook her head; it didn't make sense. There must have been a mistake of some kind.

"Ryan?" she said as she entered the pool house.

Ryan was sitting on his bed, he'd been reading his history homework. Looking up at Kirsten he saw the assignment in her hand and felt his mouth go dry. He wasn't exactly scared, he told himself, more like apprehensive because he didn't know what to expect. He hoped desperately that she wouldn't be too disappointed.

"I read this, _Childhood Memories_." she started, waving the paper about a little.

Ryan nodded, looking down.

"I loved it. It was.. beautiful. But I don't understand, why the F?"

Ryan shrugged, uncomfortable.

"There must be a misunderstanding, it's a very good story. She must have-"

"No, the grade is fair." Ryan said quietly. "I kind of misinterpreted the assignment."

Kirsten opened her mouth to speak, but Ryan continued.

"Intentionally."

"What?"

"I'm sorry. I just.. I interpreted the assignment to fit what I wanted to write."

Kirsten was stunned. That sounded like something Seth might have done; deliberately twisting the instructions of an assignment, protesting about something or other. Preferably the neglect of comic books – sorry, _graphic novels_ – as literature. And while she found it a little.. well, childish, it was nothing to be upset about. Just, she'd never thought Ryan would do it; he was too intent on pleasing everybody. Looking at the boy in front of her she saw him fidgeting with his book. She realized he was nervous. She pondered what to say and how to say it.

"It's no big deal. Or.. I mean.. is it?" she heard Ryan say.

Ryan looked up at her, trying to read her face. Was she pissed off? He would understand if she were; they hadn't put him in this expensive private school just so he could fuck up his grades deliberately. She didn't say anything, obviously she was. He looked down.

"I'm sorry. I'll ask the teacher for some extra credit assignment. I'll see what I can do to having it not affect my final grade. I'm sorry."

Kirsten shook her head. Slowly she said "Ryan, don't be sorry. I'm sure you had a reason to do what you did."

She saw him lift his head again, but couldn't figure out what he was thinking.

"I just don't understand. Could I see the assignment? Or could you tell me what it was? I mean, from the title I would have guessed it was to write about your childhood?"

"Early childhood."

"Oh." She took this in. "And you didn't want to.. I can-"

"No, I could have. It's just.. I thought.. never mind. It was stupid."

She tentatively took a step forward and lowered herself beside him on the bed.

"I don't believe it was stupid. Your decisions rarely are." Thinking about it for a second she added "Well, except those involving fighting, stealing cars and burning down houses."

He heard the smile in her voice, and without looking up he smiled slightly in response. Maybe she wasn't very angry after all.

"What I'm trying to say is that I think you had a reason you did this, and that I can respect. I may not agree with you that the reason was good enough, but I can see it wasn't just a whim. I'm not mad at you Ryan, okay?"

"Okay." he said quietly.

Kirsten didn't say anything. By now she knew Ryan well enough to understand that he'd agreed to tell her about his reasoning; he just needed time to put his thoughts into words.

"I was thinking.." he started. "About what makes a childhood. And I realized I never had one." Taking a deep breath he finally looked at her. "Technically I did, of course. I mean, I _was_ a child. I just never.. whatever. What I mean is that there was something missing, something that is now present. Since you took me in I've.."

Again, looking away, Ryan fell silent. Kirsten just waited.

"I just decided that's when my childhood started. When you took me in. What was before that was.. something else. Thus, any memories from the past months would qualify for early childhood memories, and that's what I wrote about. As you know."

Glancing at her, he added "But they aren't, I know that and I knew that when I wrote the paper. I just.. wanted to make a statement. But I shouldn't have, not like that. I'll ask for extra credit. I'm sorry."

"Ryan, don't be sorry." Kirsten said softly. "I think it was a great thing you did."

"What?"

"You have.. I just think it was good. Worth more than a good grade. And I don't think you should ask for extra credit."

"Okay.."

"I think you should turn in the paper again, but with what you've told me now,the reasoning behind your choices, as an introduction. That way you'll give your teacher the chance to give you the grade I think she wanted to give you, but couldn't because it looked as though you didn't follow the instructions. And if she doesn't, that's okay. It's not the end of the world."

"Really? It's.. that would be okay?"

"Yes." Smiling, Kirsten stood. "I'll let you get on with that, or whatever you were doing when I barged in. I'll go order dinner."

When she reached the door, she heard a soft "Thanks." and turned to face Ryan.

"You're welcome." she smiled. After hesitating, she added "And Ryan, I think you should elaborate. Write more about those things, and.. other things. Not in that paper, and maybe not even for anyone to read. But you write well, and.. I think would be good. And if you'd want me to, I'd love to read it." With this she left.


	4. Childhood Memories

First I didn't intend to post the whole thing (just the introduction mentioned) but when I finished that, it seemed silly to have a last chapter of only two paragraphs. So I thought, what the hell.. You'll just have to excuse that this isn't 'exemplary written' and all, thus not consistent with the rest of the story. I blame it on my brain and how it handles second language acquisition. ;)

And still I don't own the OC.

LN

_

* * *

_

_Childhood Memories_

_I never actually had a childhood when I was young, because I was never actually a child, not in the ways that matter. Now, when I'm older – more of an adolescent than a child, I have been given a chance to try it._

_Were I to describe my childhood I'd first have to choose which period of my life I'd rather tell you about; the one that technically was my childhood, or the very present. The choice is easy, because only one of them feels like a childhood to me. Call me childish if you wish (I know I'm not supposed to cherish childhood at sixteen, I should want independence and privacy and my own life) but be warned: secretly, I'll take it as a compliment._

_Childhood memories are the best kind of memories. None others are so full of sunny, lazy days by the pool; hanging around doing anything but what you should be doing, still not the least bothered. Biking down to the pier, finding your friends already there, waiting not specifically for you but for anything to happen. Or being the first one there, waiting for anybody to show up and make the day just a little bit different from the day before – still so similar seen from a distance. Those days of no action, no change, no plans.. those are, I think, the best of my childhood memories._

_Or maybe it's those of the holidays, invented or real, when the family gathers around the dinner table just like most other days, or when the big parties are thrown. The things that make those days different; the amount of food or the number of guests. Listening to full conversations between distant or not-so-distant relatives, conversations you've heard before, but only the half contributed by the person on your side of the phone. Watching the joy, or some times annoyance, of the people you love, having the people they love close, face to face. Might those be the best of my childhood memories?_

_The moments you don't appreciate very much when they are there, those can turn out to be memories treasured. Like the serious conversations when you're in trouble, the moment you realize they are not only angry, but also worried. Or the times when you fight, because you know they'll still care, no matter how angry you get with them. The fact that you feel you can show them your anger, and they can show you theirs. Those, I have to say, are possibly the very best of my childhood memories._

_The carelessness, the feeling that someone else is in charge, taking care about anything, everything. That's what makes the childhood memories so special. That's what makes them the best. Because they are. The best._


End file.
